After a brief (well maybe not so brief) hiatus from the Internet and all things blogging I have returned with new fuel for thought. I cannot claim sole ownership of this “idea,” I must give credit to my inspiration, who just so happens to be my significant other (more on that particular update later).

Over the years I have heard one phrase used by others to “help” me along my journey through life. When faced with a difficult decision or a life altering choice I have been told time and time again to “follow your heart.” Naturally this sounds good in theory because (like most things) it’s easier said than done. Something that I have learned from these people, however, is that they don’t really mean what they say. They expect you to follow the roads often travelled and social norms. If for one minute you go off the beaten path they tend to change their attitudes toward the situation.

For example, as some of you know (but many of you don’t) before I decided to pick up the pen and become a writer for a living I was going to be a pharmacist. I had everything the job required (a little weak in math, but nothing determination and persistence couldn’t fix) and then I became a pharmacy technician. For over a year and some change I ran prescriptions, maintained the pharmacy, and handled unruly customers (most of which just wanted their fix). In a very short amount of time I came to the conclusion I did not want this life. When I was debating whether to continue the path of pharmacy or find something new I was told to follow my heart.

So I left the Pharmaceutical program and went into creative writing.

Needless to say people were not pleased. I was told everything from I was blowing a grand opportunity to I would never amount to anything as a writer. I decided to do what made me happy and I was shunned for it. I thought the insults and hurts would only be temporary and when I published my first book I learned otherwise. After my book became public knowledge those same people gave me more negative energy saying things like it’ll never take off and who would read your work. The better I did the worse it got.

They were actually bitter that I had the guts to follow my heart and do what it took to make my dreams a reality. I’m sure it’s going to hurt them even more when I become a big success (and I will) and they spent their lives working jobs they hate because it would give them money. Which in today’s society is a fleeting notion to begin with.

If you’re reading this don’t give up. Don’t give in. YOU need to do what’s right by YOU. Even if you don’t think you’re strong enough to follow your heart, give it a try. I think you’ll surprise yourself.

“God does not call the qualified. He qualifies the called”

I hate to pour negative energy into something, but I’m not sure I can hold onto it anymore. Tonight has been a night of sheer torment for me and it’s the cascading motion that really hit me the worst. My night wouldn’t have been so bad alone, but one thing happened, then another, then another and so on and so forth. It was like something or someone was purposefully trying to piss me off tonight. My day was fine until about 5:30 and then everything turned sour with the quickness.

To start my evening of delight my “co-worker” decided that she was going to let me close pretty much all by my onesies. In short I broke down the relaxation lounge, took out the relax garbage, wiped down the counters, broke down the cafe, took out the trash in the pool room, employee bathroom, locked the doors, completed the paperwork, loaded up the dishes and delivered them to the house, wiped down the saunas, turned off the wet sauna, clean out the men’s lounge, shut down the computers, shut down the cardio room, all music players, 5 baskets of laundry, and switched off the breakers (I’m sure I’m forgetting some things, but you get the general idea).

She broke down the women’s lounge, cleaned sandals, and 2 baskets of laundry.

I was so pissed i could spit. Then when I got into my car I found I had forgotten to cut my ipod off, so my music was null and void (Oh, I forgot to mention when I dropped off the dishes it started to rain and if it wasn’t for someone in the laundry dept being nice and offering me a ride back to my department I think I might have lost it all together).  There was some maintenance being done on the pool, so I was supposed to leave my key at the house for them to use. When I got home I realized I gave them my house key, not the spa key, so I had to make a return trip to get my key back.

On the return trip my gas light came on signalling I was out of gas and at the station my card wouldn’t work at the pump, so I had to go inside (which completely defeats the point of paying at the pump). I mean really? This night sucked.

The only redeeming grace was my girl was waiting for me with Chinese food when I got back to my apartment. We watched a mini-marathon of Lost Season I (yes, I’m starting to watch Lost) and I took her home. It was a nice reprieve, but I swear the events that took place between 5:30 and 9:15 tonight blew something fierce.

Good-Night

I cannot breath.

The only way I can keep from breaking up is to try and focus all my energy through these words. I don’t know if it’s lack of sleep and a boost in caffeine, but I’m shaking. It’s like I’m drowning in air. Try as I might, it’s getting harder for me to think clearly and this ache in my chest is hurting my soul.

I’ve been so overworked and overextended these past few days that it’s all starting to catch up to me. I am doing all I can with my focused breaths and my images of serenity, but this is a lot more intense than usual. This is worse than withdrawal.

I need to sleep, but my mind keeps me awake. I need to breathe, but the air is poison. I need comfort, but I am only finding distress (jeez, talk about your melodrama).

I hate this. I love that I can love with such great capacity, but I hate it when it turns inside out on itself and I’m left with this pit.

Recently the idea of faith has been occurring more frequently in my daily conversations. Not only are these conversations with people who have faith in spades, but also those who are struggling and those who have lost it all together. I know I use this phrase a lot, but from as early as I can remember I’ve had faith. Faith comes very naturally for me and for me it’s simply a way of life. For others I’ve learned it’s not so easy.

It was described to me in this way. Faith is like your connection speed on the Internet (Trust me, this does make sense). Some people have lightning fast Internet and they connect to the world with ease. For others it’s like dial up, it takes a little time to get connected and then the images come slower. Both get to the same destination, but some take more time than others. As anyone who had dial up and then moved to broadband or higher can tell you they would never go back. It’s frustrating to be able to get the world with click of a button and then go back to waiting up for load screens.

The same goes for those with the fast connection they get frustrated with those who don’t understand things quickly, but it’s worse for those who have the dial up connection. They feel like everyone else in the world is getting something they are missing and they get angry and they give up. They need people around them to nurture them and help them to understand that some things take time (where not all faith is related to God this next statement is). It’s called a walk with God because it’s a journey. If it was supposed to happen all at once, it would be called a leap with God.

Just food for thought. Faith, it’s what’s for dinner.

If I had to describe how I am towards my friends in one word or less it would be “haven.” I genuinely enjoy helping people and my friends are at the top of that list. I am the person people seek out when they want guidance, or just need to get something off of their chest. I gladly take on this role because it is one I was born to wear. Catch 22 is where I typically take being atlas (the world on my shoulders for the slower ones) in stride every once and awhile I get enveloped.

Last night just so happened to be one of those nights. A combination of lack of food in my stomach, an overindulgence of alcohol, and a few current situations brought me into the abyss (cue the self loathing). I’ve seen a pattern with this and I think I can correct it, but I’m telling you I’m going to drive away everyone close to me one of these days. I don’t do well with the emptiness as is, but when you take away my filter mechanism (ie drunkenness) pleasant times do not ensue. I had a lot of signs warning me about last night, but I chalked it up to me looking too much into things.

I guess I need to pay more attention.

There is a song that depicted my mood perfectly last night.

It’s called “Cave” by Muse (Yes, I’m on a Muse streak).

Here are the lyrics:

Leave me alone it’s nothing serious
I’ll do it myself
It’s got nothing to do with you
And there’s nothing that you could do

You can see it and you can almost hear it too
You can almost taste it
It’s nothing to do with you
And it’s still nothing that you can do

So come in my cave
And I’ll burn your heart away
Come in my cave
I’ll burn your heart away

Please close your ears
And try to look away
So you never hear a single word I say
And don’t ever come my way

Leave me alone
It’s nothing serious
I’ll do it myself
It’s got nothing to do with you
And there’s still nothing that you could do

So come in my cave
And I’ll burn your heart away
Come in my cave
And arrest me for my mistakes

Yes, Three posts in one day, I really need to work on the whole “not getting on the Internet” thing…moving on.

Looking back I’ve never truly relied on anyone to work my problems out for me. It wasn’t until recent that this fact was pointed out to me. Sure, I seek guidance and insight through others, but in the end the decision was always (and will always) be mine. I’m not one for letting others fight my battles for me and I’m far too tired to run from my problems all my life. With that said the closest person I can recall that I held as a mentor was my Pastor growing up.

He’s been in ministry for around thirty years and in my life for a majority of the time I’ve been on earth. He was there when I went through middle and high school. He was the anchor that held my soul when I had doubts in my faith and helped me pick up the pieces when I felt like giving up. Through various youth retreats I learned from him and every now and again I think I taught him a few things as well. But as of the end of May he will no longer be my pastor. He’s decided to travel to different churches and preach before his retirement. I’m sure he has his reasons, I just don’t know them (or I don’t know enough of them). And even though I haven’t really spoken to him in awhile I’m taken aback.

Because he is leaving he wants us (the congregation) to consider him dead because he wont be able to tend to the needs of his flock. We’ve lost our shepherd and that’s something I wasn’t expecting. I know I’ve had criticisms of the man in the past, but together we changed a lot about how our church worked. We shared a dream and together we took the necessary steps in bringing our church into the present. We established a screen with a power point style presentation during the service which brought a whole plethora of tools to use in a sermon (ie movie clips, words on screen for songs, important points in the sermon, etc). Not only that, but I consider myself pretty good with technology, so whatever he needed I could accomplish with a little work.

For a little while I’ve felt the church has become stagnate and I feel with him leaving this might be the end of our dream. I think I can guess a lot of the reasons why he’s leaving, but I hope pray that he’s not giving up. I hope to attend his final service at the end of May, but do to certain circumstances I may not have the opportunity. I guess I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it. I wonder if my morale compass is strong enough to navigate on my own. People need to be able to lean and rely on others and I’ve learned to trust this man and rely on his guidance. He will always be my pastor, but I don’t know how to go about letting him know that without driving him away.

Should I even try if he wants us to consider him already gone?

I meant to add this on Easter, because it is an Easter story, but I forgot (happens to the best of us). I’m sure I won’t give this story justice, but I wanted to share it anyways.

During Easter my youth minister would always say “Good Morning Neighbor, Christ has risen,” which we would all respond “He is risen indeed.” Then one day he told us the meaning behind his “slogan.”

During WWII when the Nazi’s were in full force Hitler decided to make an announcement that he was to be the person people now prayed to. There were thousands present to hear his speech (as they always were) and he told them that they were no longer to say “Good Morning Neighbor, Christ is Risen” because he was no longer their God. When he finished with his speech he asked if there were any questions and one young man (teens to early twenties if I remember correctly) walked to the podium. He said he had something to say.

Hitler told him to be careful of what he said because he would be shot if he said anything out of line. He said he understood and walked up to the mike. With both hands on the podium he said very clear and very confidently, “Good Morning Neighbors, Christ has Risen” and He was executed on the spot.

The magic of the story is as soon as he made his declaration everyone in the crowd responded “He is Risen indeed.”

Today was supposed to be my day off. I got called into work to cover for an employee who was taking some clients out on a hike. It wasn’t too bad. Just an extra 4 hours in an already packed week. I did gash the top of my head something fierce when I was in the maintenance closet on some protruding metal. That one smarted a little bit. But as uneventful as today was there are some bright points. It’s a lovely day outside and sun feels good on my skin. Now that I’m out of work I get to enjoy this weather and it’s pretty baller. I’m tempted to go out on the parkway, but I lack any to go with at the moment, so I’ll just wait around and bask in the glory that is the day.

Yesterday was phenomenal (which is the reason I’m writng today, even though I said I wouldn’t). I got to spend a few hours with my girl and it was moments like those that keep me going. Just a few days ago I was spiraling (pretty epically at that) and Sunday I leveled back out. She really makes me remember why I don’t just give into the nothing I feel at times. The best part is I’ve got new memories to help in my battle. Speaking of which, statistically speaking 98% of all things humans worry about never come to pass (this is true). I learned about a year ago that I can choose to worry about EVERYTHING or manage what I knew to be happening. I haven’t fully accepted this philosophy, but I’m getting better with time.

It’s just like little kids imagining there are monsters in the closet. The children create those monsters, but they can also create heroes to defend them. My hero is a Sigiled Paladin who rides a creature resembling a huge lion. I hope one day I can help my child create a protector (or be the protector) he or she needs.

If you’ve never heard the song “Feeling Good” by Muse you need to acquire a copy of it. I’ve been getting into Muse a lot recently and that song is a great depiction of my life as of current.

“It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life…for me, and I’m feeling good”

There were complications when I was brought into this world. While preforming an emergency cesarean section they pumped all kinds of drugs into my mother, which in turn went all to me. Where I don’t remember being born, pictures of me suggest I was baked out of my gourd (which I feel altered my brain chemistry, but that’s really beside the point.) I believe that is a contributing factor as to why I seek pleasure from substances that alter ones perception of the world (namely alcohol).

However, contrary to the title of this post, I’m not an addict. For lack of a better term I lack the addictive gene. Either I lack it or my will power is so strong that I am able to overcome it. When I quit smoking I was up to about a pack and some change a day (depending on the day) and I stopped cold turkey.  I made the decision that smoking was costing me too much money without many “benefits” so I quit. Grant it I’d been smoking for less than five years, but that’s still pretty impressive, I think.

I might be compelled to try something again, or feel the need to drink, but that doesn’t mean I will. I was once told I could talk the devil into lighting himself on fire if I was in the mood (a line from my favorite book series) and the more I think about it, the more I believe it. When I know something is possible I will prove it to the world, despite what people tell me I can and cannot do. That is another gift I have been given. Not only do I create worlds, but I have the drive to keep them going.

Side Note: I’m going to be taking a technological hiatus for a little while. I’ve cut all applications and such from my Facebook and I’m limiting myself to the amount of computer time I use each day. I’m not happy with the fact I wake up and the first thing I do is want to get on-line. I need to remedy the situation. So if you check back and there’s not much here, give it time. There will be.

I had hoped when I woke up this morning I would be in a better mood, but as my luck would have it I woke up with the emptiness. I could feel it in waves beginning in my chest and radiating throughout my being. It was awful. On the one hand I was miserable to be at work, but on the other I was happy I wasn’t alone at my apartment (that would have ended poorly on my part).

The good side about the day was I asked for a gift from God and I got a thunderstorm (literally just on top of my workplace) and I was able to see a rainbow for the first time in years. Not only that, but it was really close and I could see both ends. It was a nice present. It actually was a sign I was looking for and I got my answer.

The down side is the girl I want to be closest to and help, I can’t. She’s going through some things and I’m not the one she needs to help her through it. I cannot begin to express the pain that causes to know the one person you want to help you’re powerless to prevent their suffering. I know I can’t fix everything, but I want to so badly. I want to take all of her pain and lift the weight that has her shackled, if only for a little while.

I need a drink…or twelve.